ZOMBIES!!! The Best Weapons for Obliterating Zombies in the Apocalypse Read online

  Mace and Flails

  A mace is a long club-like object with a heavy spiked ball at one end. It was used in medieval Europe, because most soldiers would have to puncture or smash armor to kill an enemy. When used effectively, this is the best head-cracker there is and it's extremely durable. This makes it an excellent choice for someone interested in bludgeoning weapons as their modus operandi when killing zombies. There are some drawbacks, however. The extreme weight of the weapon, and the extreme strength needed to successfully use the weapon, seriously limit its usefulness for most users. They are also exceedingly rare. Most museum models would be untenable for combat due to their extreme age. A third drawback has to do with the level of mess and fluids that are expelled when using a mace on a zombie. The Mongols has a version that was able to completely turn a head to mush in a single blow. The level of spray with a weapon like that would be excessive. One would have to wear a suit and goggles, as well as other implements, when using such a powerful crushing weapon. Protective gear, while useful to prevent user contamination, may slow down the user, and the goggles might become so covered with blood that they lose any good visibility in low light or dim areas. However, in the right hands, this would be a perfect killing and decapitating tool for zombies.

  The flail is almost exactly like a mace, only the spiked or un-spiked ball at the end of the staff is suspended from a chain. They were used and developed during similar time periods (medieval Europe), but their use and skill level differs wildly from a mace. The flail is both the more sophisticated and the more unreliable of the two. Similar to a sling, the user swings the metal, spiked ball in a circular motion above the user's head before striking. Because there is a great degree of variability in a weapon of this nature, it is next to impossible to hit a target effectively and constantly without considerable training. However, when wielded accurately, it is close to the mace in head-smashing and armor-piercing power, and any heads beware a truly effective flail user. The term flail, in cooking terms (like flailing a fish), means to split a piece of meat down the middle, and this should give you an idea of the potentially awesome power of this weapon.

  The most serious drawback to this weapon, however, is the potential injury inflicted on the user if the user is not an expert. The degree of precision needed to throw the ball at a target, rather than smashing one's own head, is very slight, and injuring one's head is a real danger when using it. If you do intend to use it, even if trained with this weapon, wear a helmet at all times! Besides the fact that a helmet keeps your head and brains protected from brain-hungry zombies, it's also insurance should you, during a battle, get distracted enough to make a mistake. It only takes using it inaccurately once to seal your death and eventual zombie resurrection!

  War Hammers and Kanabos

  War hammers were a large, heavy hammer with a heavy metal spike on one end, and they were developed for soldiers to use on cavalrymen during the middle ages. They look like the cross between a carpenter's hammer and a miner's pickax. They are extremely heavy and could be used similarly to a mace. The long spike can become lodged in the head of a zombie, so using the flat side is the best option when fighting against many zombies at once. They are fairly rare, so the chance of you seeing one of these is probably minimal. If you do end up with one, it can be a great bludgeoning tool!

  The kanabo is a long, heavy wooden staff with spikes on the top half to two-thirds of the shaft. They could be made of metal, wood, or a combination of both. They could range from a few feet to several feet in height and were reputed to be extremely strong. Their extreme weight (25 pounds) makes this a dangerous but improbable weapon for most users. They could definitely smash a zombie head to smithereens, but there are lighter options that are easier to obtain.

  Bos and Nunchakus

  Only the very foolish will use these archaic weapons against a zombie. Popularized by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bos and Nunchucks were the weapons used by Donatello and Michelangelo. While they have a rich history in the East, they are not advised for most users or most situations with zombies. The bo (or long wooden/metal staff) was first used in ancient China, specifically in the Shaolin Temple of the Henan Province. It was used to enrich a user's martial arts practice, and a good deal of agility and speed were needed to use it effectively. In ancient China, like in feudal Japan, the armor was devised of cloth and steel plates, rather than heavy metal; weapons with enough heft or puncturing ability to pierce heavy armor were unneeded at that time. It takes a lot of force to break a bone, let alone a head, with a bo. These are not recommended for the general user. In a pinch, they are easy to make from any long, wooden staff. But breaking, especially on thicker zombie heads or jaws, can be a real possibility if too much force is applied.

  The nunchucks are another Chinese weapon which was designed for use against minimally armored soldiers. They are hard to use effectively against the undead because the intent of the nunchucks was to inflict bodily injury on the recipient, something that due to their lack of live nerve endings would not slow any hardy zombie down. They can be used to smash or crunch heads. However, this is a skill that only an expert would be able to pull off. If there is something else to use as a weapon, I would use it over nunchucks, hands down. Unless you are an expert, misuse could be fatal.

  Police Batons

  While a police baton might seem like a good idea since they were expressly designed for violence, the heft and design make this an inadequate zombie killer, especially when trying to crush the skull with one. This would be something to help get out of a room or make your escape, but it is ineffective for the coup de grace. Billy clubs, which are the earlier version of the police baton, would be an excellent replacement if you could get your hands on one. Another version, the tonfa, is similar to the Billy club and would make an excellent replacement. However, both these items are scarce, and you should not rely on finding one.

  Objects Turned Weapons: Sports Equipment

  Baseball bats (both wooden and metal), certain golf clubs, and cricket bats (for the UK consumer) can all make excellent bludgeoning weapons. If you have one of these around, consider keeping it with you as a backup for other less reliable forms of weapons. However, since head crushing was not built into the designs, you should take care when deciding which to use.

  Baseball bats can be an excellent choice. Generally, metal bats are favored, due to their heft and durability, over wooden bats. In a pinch, however, and with some other hardware goods (like long heavy nails), one can easily turn a large wooden bat into a more contemporary mace. Care should be taken when placing the nails as to not strain or split the wood. Nails should not be placed too close together or too far apart. Add too many and you may eventually spilt the bat, making it unusable during a fight. Add too few, and you may as well never have added them at all. Long, thick iron nails are best for this application. Even with the addition of nails, wooden bats have a low heft compared to other bludgeoners, and so a great deal of energy must be employed by the user for each strike to be effective. This would be a weapon of last resort, or a weapon to use, if you only have one zombie and feel confident in your hitting skills and strength.

  Golf clubs are another sports related option. Their thin metal shaft and the small area of the club at the bottom make this a hit-or-miss weapon against zombies. With enough force, one could do some damage to the skull, but it would take multiple strikes to seal the deal. There is a reason that you rarely read about one of the living being beaten to death with a golf club—it's simply too hard to do.

  Of all the sporting goods bludgeoners, cricket bats (which are a heavier, bulkier baseball bat) are the best choice of the three for smashing a head. Their weight and bulkiness create a good ratio of surface to contact for head smashing. However, they are not as common in the U.S. as in the UK; finding one after the the apocalypse may be hard. If you find yourself with one of these excellent bats, enjoy its nice features. Remember that the wood will eventually wear out or break, no matter how stu
rdy it is to begin with.

  Objects Turned Weapons: Hardware Store Weapons

  If you are in a pinch, your local hardware store can be a one stop shop for all things bludgeon, as long as it's not overrun by zombies. Even going through someone's garage or toolbox might yield some excellent bludgeoning weapons. Large, heavy wrenches, metal pipes (which can be procured from any abandoned house with a little effort), crow bars, and other home improvement or mechanical tools with durability and heft can be excellent options for the economically prudent, or weapons-bereft, zombie killer.

  Crow bars are a long steel cylinder with a kink at one end and flat notched ends for pulling up nails. They get their name from the common crow, whose beak somehow resembles the tool. They are generally made of iron (or titanium in newer models). They are designed to help open doors and boxes or crates. They do so so effectively that they have become almost synonymous with home burglary. They are heavy and sturdy enough to use like a mace, and the hook-like end could definitely go through a skull (though it might get stuck). They are also excellent for abandoned neighborhood scavenging.

  Pipes are extremely abundant in the plumbing of any house. Different types of pipes have different levels of usability. PVC pipes are made of plastic and should be avoided. There are several metal types that have varying degrees of usability. The best for the job are lead or steel pipes. Any other metal would not have enough heft to be effective. They do require a great deal of manpower to use with any success rate, so try to find something else to use over these ineffective weapons.

  Carpenter's hammers and sledgehammers both can be great head smashers. There are pros and cons to each. The carpenter's hammer is easy to find and really digs into a skull. However, its short handle puts you dangerously close to a zombie. Unless as a last resort, or if attacking a zombie from behind, try to use something with a longer handle. The sledgehammer is like a carpenter's hammer on steroids. It's used in tearing down walls and it is extremely heavy (upwards of 10 pounds). Because of its weight, it is not advised for most users. However, when a head is hit with one of these, watch out! You will definitely want to keep your mouth closed to not swallow any blood or skull bits.

  Lug wrenches are often mistakenly referred to as tire irons. The lug wrench has the same shape as a crow bar. However, the non-curved tip contains a wrench head rather than a notched, flat one. It can be used similarly to a crow bar, and it is an effective weapon against zombies. The crossed arm lug wrench (or "spider" lug wrench) is not an effective substitute for the original. Its four arms would be an unwieldy and inefficient weapon.

  Though chainsaws seem like a good option when confronting zombies, they tend to be too inefficient to do the job. They also run on gas which may or may not be available. Because they are a moving machine, they become harder for the individual user to control when fighting zombies. There is also a lot of airborne fluid when using a chainsaw on a zombie. Unless the user is extremely protected, this poses a serious contamination risk. The heft of most chainsaws makes it a heavy, bulky machine to maneuver. The sound can also alert other zombies to your presence. Malfunctions can be fatal, or debilitating, when using one. Parts can break and fly backward, severing the arm or hand of the user. This is a weapon to only use as a last resort. There are so many better choices out there. If you want the best killing power available, get a mace or a sword.

  Mêlée Weapons 3: Axes and Spears

  Spears and Javelins

  Since the emergence of man, the spear has been their constant companion. Used since Neolithic times, it was once used to take down mammoth and saber tooth tigers. It was designed to stab a larger animal while also keeping its distance from it. Because zombies are smaller and more agile than a mammoth, this may not be the best weapon for confronting zombies at close range. Nevertheless, it does have some advantages. Originally, spears of Neolithic times had stone heads that were affixed to a long wooden handle with sinew or plant fibers. The long blade had notches at the bottom end to make affixing easier. Later civilizations used more sophisticated equipment. A bevy of metals (bronze, iron, and eventually steel) were used in Greek and Roman military maneuvers. However, the development of the sword, and eventually, the gun, hasted their decline.

  They can be effective against zombies if you are looking for a weapon that can damage a zombie while also keeping it several feet away from you. They are too long for close range fighting due to their length (around 8 feet). They are also limited in their movements, as stabbing is the only effective move with a spear. Wounds must be done on specific parts of the head, like the eye sockets or mouth, to be completely effective in killing a zombie. Like many more archaic weapons, this is a weapon that can be made with common materials in a fix. The user might be recommended in keep potential materials to make one, (a thick, straight shaft of wood will do), along with something that could be used as a spear point in case of emergencies.

  While one might think the most logical thing to do with a spear is to throw it, this is rarely the best application. Spears are not designed with aerodynamics in mind, so the idea that one would be able to hit an object effectively when thrown is a specious argument. Javelins are intended to be thrown; spears are not. They tend to be ineffective at decapitation, but they can be good for disemboweling a zombie. Boar spears have two wings or lugs of metal than fan out above the top of the diamond-shaped blade. These wings prevent zombies from getting closer by virtue of its impalement on the spear point. Boar spears were used in Germany and Europe to hunt wild boar, a notoriously dangerous animal. No one wanted boars any closer than they needed to be either. Some other versions of the traditional, classic spear which you might consider are a Japanese Yari or a Greek Dory. These metal spearheads are upwards of 24 inches. They tend to be fairly sharp on all of their edges and, with a degree of skill, aiming at and taking off the head can be fairly easy. The Yari's sword-like spearhead (it looks like a sword on a staff) aids in increasing its range of movements, and its sharpness means that it could also potentially slice though a neck. The Dory was used in ancient Greece, but no copies remain contemporarily. Most spears won't be found easily (in the U.S.). You may be able to get replicas or steal one from a museum.

  The javelin is the traditional throwing spear, and it is a smaller-scale and lighter-weight version. Historically, some of the first javelin-like weapons were used during Neolithic times. The atlatl is one such example. Javelins and javelin-like weapons were used on both new and old world continents: the Greeks, the Aztecs, and the Zuni all used them frequently in hunting and military pursuits. They are occasionally used contemporarily, but their use is sparse and is often relegated to sport or to undeveloped regions. The weight and balance are most important for a javelin as this determines its maneuverability, aim, and aerodynamics when attempting to hit an object. There are better weapons to kill a zombie with and most contemporary models you would see stateside would be for sports, not for hunting or military pursuits. They are tricky and cumbersome to make, so save your rainy days for something that guarantees protection.

  Fire Axes, Pickaxes, and Hatchets

  Oh, the pickaxe! The pickaxe is a classic mining tool and it tends to be one of the few items that are always associated with mining in the public consciousness (though there are other applications for the tool besides mining). Generally, it looks like a tapering crescent moon stuck upside-down on a thick, wooden staff. One side of the half moon is thin and flat, and the other side is round and pointed. While long in use, most contemporary mining uses mechanical diggers or set explosive charges over the pickaxe. They tend to be fairly heavy, and are less common contemporarily than historically, so the chance of getting this gem is limited. Hardware stores may carry them. If you do find one of these excellent weapons, enjoy its wonderful crushing and ratcheting abilities! (If you do obtain one, please refrain from singing heigh-ho heigh-ho, it's off to work we go while bludgeoning zombies. Zombies can't think like we can think, but I don't have to tell you what bad manners that is.
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  Fire axes and smaller hatchets have pros and cons as weapons. A heavy, long-handled fire axe can be a great weapon as long as it is sharp. Firemen use them to break down doors and walls, and this means that they are relatively sturdy. They are fairly unwieldy, and finesse is needed to reduce your margin of error when swinging them around. Good reflexes and speed, along with strength, can make this a fairly reliable and easy to obtain weapon. They can be found at most hardware stores or at most fireman stations. Some families keep fire axes in their homes as a matter of precaution, but this would be an unlikely find in any garage or basement. Hatchets are a smaller version of a fire axe, and they are usually used to cut brush or firewood. They tend to be available in a variety of stores and homes, but they are simply too small or too light to be an effective zombie killer unless attacking a tiny, slow-moving zombie midget. You might keep a couple around the armored compound to use as tools for building or for wood-based crafts.