ZOMBIES!!! The Best Weapons for Obliterating Zombies in the Apocalypse Read online

  The smallest flechettes are similar to buckshot in their capabilities and are placed (about 2 dozen at a time) in special shotgun cartridges. Firing one of those would create a large amount of widespread damage in a single zombie or possibly two zombies close together. However, skill is needed to aim them effectively at targets.

  Mêlée Weapons 1: Swords and Blades

  Mêlée weapons (non-projectile weapons used in close combat) are often preferred by the zombie purists because they don't run out of ammo during a fight. However, not all mêlée weapons are considered equal. Swords and blades, while requiring a certain mastery to use effectively, are one of your best options. A true master is able to use a sword or scimitar with ease through the undead, and the sharp long blades of a katana or long sword can make killing a snap in the right hands.

  However, there are some drawbacks. Some blades, like knives and daggers, are too short to be effective in such close hand-to-hand combat with a zombie. There is a real chance of infection when using these blades unless the user is a confident expert. Other blades are limited by the types of movements they can easily do on a body or head. For example: the katara is only good for thrusting stabs, while the katana is good for slashing (though only one side of the blade is sharp). Self-injury from a blade during battle is a real danger.

  Constant practice, along with some sort of hand protection, grip, or guard, is strongly recommended for all levels of users. With this type of weapon, fluid contact it a real danger. Protect your mouth and other mucous membranes (eyes, nose, ears) if you are concerned. There is also a fitness level involved—using a sword or knife can be a real workout. Unless you have good stamina, you can tire easily. You best bet is to keep both projectile and mêlée weapons around your compound or armored living facility for an attack or emergency.

  Knives, Kataras, and Bayonets

  Most knives contain a blade, generally less than a foot in length, attached to a handle at one end. The handles can be made of a variety of materials: precious metals, bone or ivory, wood, plastic, rubber, or rubber-encased metal. While they are generally easier to handle than many other weapons, they often leave the user too close to a zombie for comfort. Because of their small size, they tend to be ineffective at decapitation, and they can end up being lodged in a zombie's head in such a way as to be almost impossible to pull out cleanly during close combat. Their short handle might also become slippery with sweat and blood and may slip out of the user's hands. More possibly, the hand may slip down the blade, cutting the user and possibly contaminating them. Because of these reasons, use of a short knife should only be implemented in an emergency, and the user should be prepared to leave it behind rather than attempting to retrieve it. Knives can be used effectively in everyday activities like cutting clothing or cutting meat when eating. Because of this, it might be a good idea to keep a few around for more mundane purposes.

  The trench knife, a sort of regular knife on steroids, has a heavy handle often with a knuckle-grazing metal strap, and it may be of more use. They were popularized during WWI, and they came in two models: the first, a standard knife with "knuckle-duster," and the second, a large metal spike attached to a handle. All have a more superior grip and handling than regular knives, and they could more easily be pulled from a zombie skull if need be. The handle itself was heavy enough to be used as a weapon as well. However, they have fallen out of favor, and the original models are too old to be of much use. Replicas may be obtained and may be of better value to the zombie killer. Whatever their strengths, being in such close combat with a zombie may be too great a risk to the user.

  The katara is a standard dagger-like knife from India. It contains a wide, flat, spear-looking blade attached to a metal upside-down U with two parallel bars (or crossbars) running inside it. The handles and the general shape make it good for thrusting type movement, but less so at slashing or stabbing. These are sturdy blades due to their wide, flat design. A zombie head would be no problem with one of these. They are fairly lightweight compared to other knives and could be used easily and effectively by a large variety of people. An attachable metal knuckle guard can also be used, thus protecting the hands when in use. This is an excellent, if somewhat bulky, addition to a zombie hunter's weapons collection.

  Used since the 1700s, bayonets have a rich military history. Traditionally, they were affixed on the ends of muskets during battles so that soldiers could finish off enemy soldiers in the field if their ammunition ran out. They were never designed to be used on a human head; their primary purpose was to do damage to the limbs or vital organs. This is useless against killing zombies. Since they often elongate a weapon beyond what is useful when fighting in a cramped space, your best bet is to carry a gun and a more manageable blade, like a short sword.

  Long Swords

  Long swords first originated in medieval Europe. Though many think that their over-wieldy appearance and weight are a detriment, many zombie enthusiasts swear by this blade as the go to choice for zombie killing. They can be used in a variety of settings and can be used against a variety of foes, no matter what type of armor or protection they are wearing. For some, this weapon is the perfect weight balance, and it beats the katana in most fighting maneuvers. One specific type, the Scottish Claymore, was both the heaviest and the most violent. Due to the weight of the blade, it created a great deal of gravitas when swung on a battlefield. One could easily kill a large line of undead with this heavy weapon. The long sword does display great accuracy, and one is able to dispatch a large number of zombies at one time when using it, particularly when we take into account that both edges of the sword are sharp, rather than one. Because of the length of the blade, it keeps zombies further away from the user than the shorter swords or knives. Both slashing and stabbing can be used to high effect with this weapon, and when used right, decapitating zombies becomes almost easy.

  However, smaller or weaker fighters may lack the strength to maneuver this weapon with much effectiveness when compared to lighter blades. The long sword is usually twice the weight of the katana. Use of the long sword is a fairly athletic pursuit, and the less-athletic fighter may tire easily when using it unless they have trained rigorously with the weapon. Another of the main cons of this sword is that there are few who still use the weapon and know how to use it, so there would be very few people the user could study with to learn how to master the weapon. Trial and error would have to be implemented to discover what worked best. Another disadvantage of the long sword is that absolute precision must be used to prevent the user from injuring themselves or becoming contaminated with zombie blood if they cut themselves on the sword. The weight and length of the blade would make this problem extremely pressing in the hands of the untutored. It does require a bit of maintenance. Particularly, constant cleaning and sharpening are important.

  Because it was used in medieval Europe, there are generally few well-made copies outside museum originals state-side. European zombie hunters might have better luck snagging a copy of this excellent weapon during the apocalypse than U.S. hunters.

  Short Swords: Sabers, Talwars, and Rapiers

  The short sword is the most manageable sword the average user is likely to come across. Much longer than any knife or dagger, but without the weight of a long sword, this is a good middle of the road sword for zombie killing. It especially excels when fighting in cramped, rather than outdoor, spaces. It travels excellently, and it is easier to carry and conceal than a long sword. Like most blades, trouble removing the blade from a crushed skull can be a problem, but these swords are much easier to pull out than knives and daggers; their larger heft and size make this less likely to happen. Some excellent historical examples of the short sword include: the Roman Gladius and Spartan Xiphos. The age of these models leaves something to be desired, and their choices of metals are also inferior to more contemporary models. If you want one, you'll have to get a high quality titanium-based replica. The titanium reduces the weight, and also gives the blade almost i
ndefinite durability. Other contemporary versions contain a lead core and give it enough weight to easily crush a head. This extra weight also allows the removal from a skull to be less problematic.

  Sabers and scimitars are short swords with a curve either throughout the blade or on one end only. The scimitar (or talwar) was historically used in Persia and the Middle East. The blade is curved up at the tip, and the tip is often twice as wide as the rest of the body of the sword. This makes the sword a bit top heavy in use. However, this also increases the heft and velocity when slicing into a jaw or neck, giving a cleaner and deeper cut over other curved short swords. The blade itself is sharp enough to attempt decapitation, as long as you have enough force behind it. The handle is heavy enough to crush a skull if used effectively. Some historical models have a metal loop over the handle and this protects the hands when fighting. Generally, pre-19th century versions (or good contemporary replicas) are preferred over later 19th century models (arsenal tulwars). These tend to be inferior in quality, and they are less useful for fighting the undead.

  Sabers have a rich American military history. They were used historically by both officers and members of the cavalry. Because the cavalry had to fight from horseback, they needed a sword that would reach the infantrymen lower down on the battlefield. The saber, with its long, curved blade, fit the bill excellently. Sabers are fairly long and only one side of the blade is sharp. While they are good at slashing and stabbing maneuvers, they are ineffective at head crushing or decapitating a rotting mass of zombie lurching towards you. What sabers excel at is dismemberment. This can certainly aid in halting a zombie, even if you can't effectively kill it. If someone trained seriously on the saber, and had a good deal of strength behind their blows, they might be able to partially, if not completely, decapitate a zombie. However, this would be a rare instance. It has an excellent looped metal hand guard to protect from biting zombie teeth and to protect your hands from injury. The swords have kept up well through the years. Even a model with two or three hundred years on it can make an effective weapon with a little TLC. You can also get some more contemporary models through the military.

  Rapiers are a light-weight sword with a long, toothpick-like blade. Their art and precision is well known. However, what worked well on the living, (a simple jab to heart was enough for someone to bleed to death), does not work well on the dead. This type of fighting was highly ritualized, and its effectiveness was in having a partner who was also similarly equipped. They came into fashion after the advent of cannons and hand-held muskets made plate armor and chain mail obsolete. While a highly civilized weapon, it was never intended to damage the skull or brains. It is useless against zombies and should be avoided at all costs. You are better off wrenching a heavy table leg off a dining room table and using that then ever using a rapier. Even against the living, it is ill advised. With weapons like bows or guns making this kind of stylized fighting obsolete, there is no real use for this weapon outside safe and civilized sport at your armored compound Rec room. If you do have nothing to use but a rapier, your best bet is to go for the eyes. Once speared in the eye socket, the blade must be moved around in the skull cavity, essentially lobotomizing the zombie.

  Japanese Swords: Katanas, Wakizashis, and Nodachi

  Katanas come in a variety of lengths. They were originally developed for use by the Samurai in feudal Japan. They were often paired with a short, ceremonial sword called a wakizashi. The few katanas still around are in museums or private collections. It is unfortunate because for many the katana is the ultimate weapon for fighting zombies. Exceedingly sharp, it was designed to cut the light-weight armor soldiers wore in feudal Japan. Because of the exceedingly fine and sharp blade, this sword could easily decapitate a zombie. Some katanas were so sharp that they claimed to have the ability to slice through one, two, and six bodies easily for the user. Generally, sword smiths placed low-carbon and high-carbon steel together in one blade, giving it strength and flexibility. The top half of the sword is much sharper than the bottom half, so users should slice at a zombie's neck with the top half.

  It's an impressive piece of weaponry, but there is some skill in using it. Only one side of the sword is sharp. Unskilled users should make sure to use the sharp side when attacking a zombie. Because it's so sharp, there is a real danger of seriously injuring yourself while using it. Extreme caution should be used whenever using a blade with such surgical sharpness. Another problem with this sword is that the contemporary models are mass-produced in China and have little of the originals' sharpness or durability. If you can't find an original antique or museum model, then the contemporary cheaper knockoffs are no substitute. Antique katanas are extremely rare and fairly pricey, so the chance of you being able to use one of these beautiful swords during the apocalypse is very slight. If you do end up with one of these amazing weapons, keep in mind that cleaning it soon after killing is very important to prevent blade degradation.

  The wakizashi, the shorter sword paired with the katana, was mainly used for ceremonial reasons. It looks like a miniature katana, but would have been allowed to be worn in buildings where a katana was not. The manufacture of the two is not the same, and the quality of most wakizashi is far inferior to most katanas of the time period. This was also the sword a Samurai would use to commit seppuku, or honorable suicide. Before committing seppuku, a Samurai would write a death poem, usually a haiku, and then disembowel himself in front of an audience. This can be an effective shorter sword to use against the undead if you can get your hands on one. The lessened weight and length means that you will have to expend much more physical energy using it to get a similar result, so you should plan accordingly.

  The nodachi is similar to the Scottish Claymore but is heavier and much harder to use. Its cumbersome size and weight make it an ill-conceived weapon for most zombie killers. Its rarity also makes it an unlikely choice. If this is your own weapon, which is a rare possibility stateside, then it can be a good, albeit cumbersome, zombie splitter. Like the katana, it is sharpened only on one side. The weight and sharpness make this able to do some considerable damage when used, but it is just that same weight that makes it a fairly poor option as well.

  Non-Weapon Blades: Machetes and Woodcutting Saws

  A heavy, sturdy knife like a machete is a good possible choice for zombie killing because they are designed for clearing dense brush, and it is less likely to break than most blades. They are generally not particularly sharp, and you will need to work a zombie head over more than once to get it to come off. This is related to its one-handed verses two-handed design. Again, getting this type of weapon lodged in a zombie head is a real possibility. If using one, go for the neck. A few well-placed chops to the neck won't kill the zombie, but it might paralyze it. Constant sharpening is a must for this type of weapon.

  Woodcutting saws have a real advantage over a simple chainsaw, which is too small, slow, or light to do effective damage. They are used to cut down whole trees at the base of the trunk, but are stiff, small, hand–held models, like back saws, or are larger mill-like saws attached to the front of a small vehicle. The handheld version is not recommended. While it is fairly sharp (used to saw wood for furniture making), one would have to hold a zombie down to saw their head off. The vehicle version is not recommended because it probably uses an inordinate amount of gasoline, and the zombies would have to get right in front of it to be damaged.

  Mêlée Weapons 2: Maces, Bludgeons, and Objects Turned Mêlée Weapons

  A bludgeoning weapon is usually a heavy long stick-like object with spikes or chain-based attachments. Generally, their mode of killing involves smashing or demolishing the skull, even if the wearer is in protective headgear. There have been ample sophisticated bludgeoning weapons through history, like the mace or flail, but any heavy, long object that's fairly sturdy can be used to smash a zombie head. Weight of the weapon, as well as ultimate durability, should influence your decision.

  Of all the melee weapons (non-pro
jectile weapons used in close combat), bludgeons and other bludgeon-like objects can be effective in the hands of a beginner, as long as their aerobic strength and agility are fairly well-honed. While some objects turned weapons (like a crowbar, miner's pick, or baseball bat) are maneuvered fairly easily by a general audience, there are still a few (like the mace or flail) that require the user to obtain a certain skill level before true proficiency is reached.

  These are some of the heaviest weapons and are the easiest to find. However, with any bludgeoner whose intent is to smash the head, one must be cautious of zombie fluid-shrapnel during fighting, so you must dress accordingly. Masks are fairly good protection for the mouth and mucous membranes of the mouth, throat, and sinuses, where zombie blood and contamination could be readily absorbed, but keeping the eyes covered and tightly wrapping any injuries to prevent contamination is a must for bludgeoners. However, the rewards are great for fully mastering a sturdy, heavy melee bludgeon. They rarely break. They do not require sharpening, and they have no ammo requirements.