ZOMBIES!!! The Best Weapons for Obliterating Zombies in the Apocalypse Read online

  Bearded Axes and Poleaxes

  A bearded axe is similar to a fire axe in size, but it is very rare and only historical models would be available. On the axe head, the front of the blade draws down like a chin in a long metal bit, and this gives the weapon its name. Historically, it contained a much longer handle than a regular axe. It was used in medieval times and could be an effective bludgeoner due to its weight. This also limits who could successfully wield one, and its relative scarcity makes this an unlikely weapon. If one is obtained, this can readily be used for decapitation or skull crushing. Contemporary versions are similar in shape and size to a hatchet, and their tiny size and light weight would make them ill-advised.

  A poleaxe is a smaller, double-bladed axe with two axe-like heads. The first head is a fluting, metal axe head, and the second axe-like head is much smaller and thinner than the other and tapers off into a point. It is similar-looking to the halberd, but it does not have the long hook, the shaft is shorter, and the design is less elaborate. The shaft of the handle is fairly long (4-8 feet), and its purpose in medieval Europe would have been similar to a mace or flail. They can be an excellent weapon for the undead as they were designed to crack and puncture heads in protective gear. However, the few in existence would be in museums. Like the flail, they require a great deal of training and can be inconsistently durable in battle. They are an interesting historical weapon, but not much use for zombies.

  Halberds and Monk Spades

  The halberd is truly an awesome weapon and has a rich history. It has a long handle affixed to an axe-like head with a curve to it. A sharp metal spike shoots up from the axe head. On the other side of the axe head, a stylized, hook-like blade sits. It could be used in hand-to-hand combat to hook onto the opponent's helmet or shield. It could pull them closer to you, (putting them off guard), before stabbing them with the spike or axe-shaped blade. They also were used to de-horse cavalry members by grabbing onto them and pulling them down. However, many of the assumptions that made the halberd an effective weapon on the living may make it less advantageous on the undead. Not all users may want to hook the zombie any closer than needed. Hooks may accidentally pull a zombie closer when the user least expects it if they are not an expert user. While its weight and other features (like occasional spikes) make it capable of head crushing, and its sharp head could cut though a zombie neck, it is still extremely long, and it has the same failings as a spear. Once the zombie has gotten extremely close, it ceases to be useful in such close quarters. There is also quite a bit of skill level to use this weapon effectively. This is not a weapon to use indoors or in a forest where open space may be sparse or uneven.

  Other versions of the halberd, like the naginata, guandao, glaive, and war scythe, are all similar and they all carry similar strengths and weakness to the halberd: long handles with a spear head, good for outdoor use, but similarly scarce. The glaive is similar to a halberd in that it has an elaborate hook on one side of the blade. However, instead of an axe-head, it has a thick, curving sword blade. The naginata is similarly like a sword and spear combined (but without a hook), and it would have been able to cut through a head with ease. It does not differ similarly in looks from the yari. Both the glaive and the naginata are nearly as long as a spear (7 feet or less), and they have similar close combat issues if used. The naginata is unlikely to be found stateside. The guandao, which is like the claymore of the halberd world, has a shorter scythe-like blade and a less elaborate hook, and it could cut someone in twain. Its bulk, scarcity, and length make it an unwieldy option. The war scythe looks similar to the glaive or guandao, but it has no hook and is only a curved, thick blade on a staff. It was meant to be the weapon version of the common scythe, which was used to cut shocks of wheat in fields. It is less curved than a common agricultural scythe, however.

  The monk's spade (or shaolin spade) also displays similar strengths and weaknesses to other pole blades. On one end, it has a wide, fluted, d-shaped metal spade, and on the other side, it has a half-moon of metal. It was meant be used both as a tool and a weapon. It could be used to dig in earth or to defend oneself from thieves. However, the weight balance is unwieldy, and it takes training to use. The spade part is heavily stylized now and would not be useful for digging if so required. It can be used effectively against the undead, and this weapon is supposed to be excellent for neck chopping and decapitation maneuvers. The chance of finding one of these in working order, however, is sparse.

  Explosives and Bombs

  Explosives and bombs are an entire class of weapons that may be of use to some during the zombie apocalypse. They can take out or damage a wide number of zombies quickly. However, user injury is a real problem for weapons of this type. Once the existing supply of explosives has run out, the user is left with the only option of making the weapons themselves. Not only does this involved tracking down the raw materials, it also involves dealing with volatile chemicals that are inherently unstable. There are plenty of uses for explosives if the user is an expert at making and detonating them. Rocket launchers, land mines, grenades, and napalm all have their uses on the undead. If the user decides to use explosives during the apocalypse, they must do some stocking up of explosives, or basic materials to make them, beforehand.

  Rocket Launchers and Hand Grenades

  The Rocket Launcher is often shown in the media as a weapon capable of wiping out a large area (especially when a character is in a pinch). However, the reality is that these unwieldy weapons are expensive and imprecise, and this may make them a poor option. For one, this was not a weapon designed to decapitate but to damage soft tissue areas resulting in bleed-out in live victims. With zombies, unless you are trying to make an escape, anything that does not effectively target the head becomes fairly useless. A rocket launcher is a shameless waste of energy and time (not to mention materials), and the chances of actually destroying the zombies, rather than simply slowing them down, is slight. Its heavy weight lends to its unreliability in the field. Error levels can be fairly high, and insignificant factors (like weather) can influence its accuracy. One must also know how to maneuver the rocket before launching to ensure that a certain level of accuracy is reached. Accidents are common and injuries to the user can be substantial. Newer models help alleviate some of this. However, their extreme heft and price-tag make them an ill-advised choice. If you have one at your disposal, you should save it for the living or for a last-ditch getaway effort.

  A hand grenade's effectiveness depends a great deal on the user and the user's upper body strength. If the user does not have the upper body strength to throw the grenade far enough away, the user will be injured. The grenade itself is designed for soft tissue damage and bleed-out, and because of this, it may not be the best weapon for zombies. They can be fairly effective in the hands of an expert or someone who is in a field where prior training with hand grenades was required. Of the types, fragmentation-based would be the only logical choice. Any smoke or gas-based grenades would useless on the undead. There is a rare chance of puncturing the skull with a fragmentation-based version, but the average user should not get their hopes up for that kind of outcome. My advice is to avoid grenades for almost all applications. If you can find a way to project the grenades, this may increase their usability. However, if no heads were damaged, all it will do is slow down the zombies for a few minutes.

  Landmines and Claymores

  Landmines are a small grenade-like explosive hidden in the ground where people may walk over it and set it off. They are often found in dirt roads or in fields of war-torn areas. They may be helpful for the undead. Large fields of landmines surrounding your armored compound can help alert you that zombies are in the vicinity. They can also partially dismember a zombie. However, there is significant risk to the user in using land mines. Unless one is extremely careful and keeps scrupulous records about where the unsuspecting landmines are hidden, one can end up with life threatening injuries when one steps on a landmine unaware. Unless the zombie i
s completely obliterated, the zombies who step on land mines are not destroyed and can pose their own set of problems. Zombies with one or many legs missing may look dead until one is close enough to their bodies to be bitten on the leg or hand when they come to life. Landmines are an impractical use of firepower. Since more than one may be needed to destroy a zombie, and since supplies with be scarce after the apocalypse, this is not an explosive that is advised for most users. If one decides to use these impractical weapons, one should erect a sign showing the location of the mines so that other folks will not end up missing a leg or two by accidentally walking over one.

  The claymore is a type of landmine that detonates in a specific direction. It has projectiles (usually little metal balls) embedded in the weapon, and these fly out when it is detonated. The projectiles mainly do soft tissue damage and hasten bleed-out of victims. The projectiles are too small to do much damage to a skull, and the same problems with other types of landmines apply to claymore mines as well. They can be of some use if they are placed up high and detonated towards the ground. However, they must be remote detonated, and the user must be on site to detonate them at the right time. One might consider herding zombies towards a particular area and then detonating them towards the ground (aiming at the face and neck of the zombies). This may put the user in too close of contact with the zombies, however. Claymore mines can also backfire and cause injuries to the user. This is the type of weapon designed for a premeditated attack and not a heat of the moment option or last ditch effort. However, the claymore is easy to use; anyone can use them effectively with a little practice. They may be fairly scarce stateside as they were used by Chinese troops during the Korean War.

  IEDs and C4

  An IED is an explosive, often homemade, that is triggered through the use of cell phone signals and frequencies. A compartment for the bomb is first procured. Any fairly sturdy closeable box (like a lunchbox) can be used. A phone is left on or near the box. When the phone is called, the signal from the phone triggers the device. There are some issues with setting the bomb up properly, and duds and misfires are common. Again, one would have to be in the area to know when to detonate it. One also must entice the zombie to be very close to the bomb when it goes off. This weapon could take out an occasional zombie. However, the weaknesses overshadow the strengths.

  C4 will be hard for the average user to get. It can be made, but the process of making is can be arduous. It is tough to set up and to detonate. Once made, it tends to be fairly stable. However, the complexities of detonating this explosive will be beyond most users' capabilities. If the user has some job experience with C4, they will have a much easier time making and detonating this substance. Its use against zombies is unknown. The materials for making it are or will be fairly scarce. Because of all these reasons, C4 is not recommended.

  Incendiary Bombs

  Some zombies may fear fire and some may not. Due to this variability, fire-based weapons like incendiary bombs will have limited, rather than broad-ranging, effectiveness on hordes of undead. Zombies, whose causes are chemical or viral, are foes the user is not advised to fight with fire or fire-based weapons. Either because they do not fear them, or because the chance of contamination is high, these weapons have limited effectiveness in killing most beings living or dead. Horrible burns may inhibit the living, but they do not often inhibit the dead. If the burns are deep enough, the zombie may be mobility-impaired. However, this is not an outcome that is likely with most incendiary options. Damaging the skull is unlikely, and fire takes significant amounts of time (nearly an hour in some cases) to cook the brain enough to kill the zombie. In the meantime, they are on fire and still after you just as spryly as before. Fire can be used to sanitize a landscape, and after a battle this is a good option for clearing a space of contaminated bodies that might potentially infect the living (though the firepower needed to cremate a mass of dead zombies will be significant).

  Pipe Bombs and Molotov Cocktails

  Pipe bombs are similar to grenades with shrapnel in their implementation, and they have the same weaknesses as grenades when used against the undead. They are designed for bleed-out and soft tissue damage but not for head piercing or skull damaging. Because of this, they are not recommended for use against zombies except as a last ditch effort. Making them is a volatile process and the user can be seriously injured due to accidents during creation. If one wants to have some of these easy to make but hard to control weapons on hand, one must procure some lengths of metal pipe. Steel plumbing pipes work best. The pipe should be short enough to be able to handle and throw easily once lit. Both ends should be tightly sealed, and a wick should be placed coming out one of the sealed ends (or wall near one of the ends). The explosives themselves are extremely volatile and can catch fire when placing into the pipes hollow cylinder (so extreme care must be taken when loading substances like gunpowder).

  A Molotov cocktail is similar to a pipe bomb in its general idea. A type of flammable or incendiary liquid is put nearly to the top of some sort of glass-based container, usually a bottle. A wick, which has been soaked in fluid (and can be made out of simple rags or strips of cloth), is placed in the liquid while still hanging out of the end of the container. Matches and standard wicks can also be used in addition to cloth. The end is then sealed up to prevent the liquid from escaping and the wick is bound to the side of the bottle using some sort of binder. The liquid can be any type of flammable liquid: alcohol, gasoline, ethanol, or petrol can all be used to varying degrees of effectiveness. Their ease in manufacture belies their tricky lighting and application. This is another kind of weapon that is not designed to damage the head or skull upon explosion. It can very effectively set a structure on fire, so care should be used on where this weapon can be used feasibly or safely in battle. Serious burns for the user are a distinct possibility during lighting, as the amount of time one has before explosion after the bomb has been lit varies. If one wants to burn a structure or has dead errata hanging around inhibiting the safety and mobility of an area, this can be an effective means of starting a fire to dispose of these objects. However, this is not a weapon recommended for combat against zombies in any circumstances.

  Torches, Blowtorches, and Propane Tanks

  Torches and blowtorches are another weapon not recommended for hand-to-hand combat with zombies. A torch is simply a short or long staff with a lit end. They are good to light your way in place of flashlights, or to throw on a building to set it on fire, but they are not good for zombies. If one herded some zombies into a house and set the house on fire, a torch could be used if the structure had been prepped (with flammable liquid) beforehand. Its use as a weapon is minimal and it should be avoided in combat.

  A blowtorch is a thin tube projected off a small tank of propane. This handy tool is often used in both the workshop and the kitchen. However, it serves no purpose against the non-living. If you held a zombie down, you could torch its face with the blowtorchs tiny flame for an hour or longer and damage the head this way by cooking its brains. But who has that kind of extreme strength or is willing to take such a ridiculous risk? Save your blowtorch for practical tasks or for making crème brulee, not for killing zombies. Soaking a zombie in fuel is problematic for the same reasons. For one, there must be an adequate level of fuel thrown on the zombie before lighting, and there is no guarantee that this will kill or inhibit the zombie in any way. The user also may end up catching on fire themselves, and this is much more detrimental to the living than to a zombie.

  Propane tanks, unlike how they are represented in the popular media, are designed to be as inflammable as possible. Their use in cooking, (and therefore being near heat), lends them to having a certain safety level before being widely distributed. This will inhibit any serious attempts to easily exploding them with a well-aimed rifle shot. Some rounds can pierce the tanks heavy metal shell, but the level of manpower and firepower needed is not worth the effort. Propane will have better uses (like cooking food) than atte
mpting to explode a tank surrounded by zombies. Even if the tank is punctured, there must be some sort of fire or spark to set off the explosion once some of the gas sprays out into the air. My advice would be to save it for better uses.

  Napalm and Thermite

  Napalm was used to great effect during the Vietnam War. It is an oily liquid based on derivatives of naphthenic acid and palmic acid in a base of fuel. It has a very high burning temperature and spreads very easily. It is able to burn most surfaces and can even burn on fluids that would otherwise quench a fire that burned less hotly. This is not a weapon that is advised in combat against the undead. The chances of damaging the head to the degree necessary are very slight. There is also a chance of user contamination from napalm and this will cause serious burns and injuries which no liquid can extinguish!

  Thermite is a potentially explosive compound that is made from aluminum and rust with a magnesium-based fuse. It is used in welding, soldering, and other workshop activities that involve cutting through or combining pieces of metal. It has an extremely high burning point and can melt most metals easily. It could also be used to cremate a body if nothing is available. Some believe that this would be an excellent potential weapon against the undead. However, serious flaws still exist. Anything that hot could seriously burn the user. Thermite is notoriously difficult to light, and the amount needed to properly liquefy a zombie, as well as getting a zombie in the right position to liquefy them, are serious setbacks. If you decide to use this tricky substance, you must first find a source of good quality aluminum. Pop cans, certain aluminum-based bike frames, and even paint stores can be good sources of aluminum (where they may have it powdered). The rust can be procured or made fairly easily. The local hardware or paint store may carry it. You can also make the rust yourself through a variety of homemade applications. Once you have good, powdered sources of both compounds, you can mix them in a 2.5 to 1 ratio (or 8 to 3) in a bottle or jar. Once mixed to the desired consistency, a heat source (like a magnesium-based sparkler) must be applied to start the reaction. Again, this substance is very dangerous and has limited or unknown use against zombies, so the use of this in battle is not recommended.